By: Bill Simmons for HBO

This is it.  The FINAL Danny Devito Power Rankings of the 2013 season. 

It's kind of amazing how quickly the season has gone by.  It seems like yesterday that we were drafting and Dan didn't have a kid.  There's been a lot of ups and downs and ties (at least for me), but overall it's been a pretty entertaining season.  Personally, I think the infusion of some new blood made it kind of fun to watch.  I mean, it would've been pretty hilarious if Joe had won the championship.  But instead, a lot of the old guard is in the playoffs.  I'll have a playoff post up - hopefully - before the Strubin Bowl, but no guarantees.  For now, I want to put a final bow on the fantasy season with these power rankings.

This is as good a time as ever to mention that you should send me a FB message to vote for our awards this year  For the newbies, I'll be sending a facebook message for people to respond to me about, and then we'll be unveiling the awards in an "unveiling ceremony" (I'm not going to do them periodically like I did last year) some time during the playoffs. 

So, without further adieu, meet your 2013 maker folks.

So no power rankings tonight.

But two things: 

1. Danny's defeat of Joe, and Tim's loss, means that Arun has officially joined Bryan as a playoff participant.  What's more, he's vaulted past Dan for the 2nd seed.  The spot for the final two spots though is definitely fun.

Dan

Dan is most in control of his destiny.  It's a simple "win and in" scenario.  If he loses, he can still make it so long as one of Joe and Danny loses.  Dan plays Bryan this week, so it's an uphill climb, but no one's on bye, and Rodgers might be back.  Might. 

But if Dan loses, it would cap off the greatest collapse in our league's history (sorry, I couldn't resist bringing that up).  Dan started 6-0, currently sits at 7-6, and faces possible elimination.

Danny

Danny has done the damn near impossible:  Win five straight to vault himself into what could very well be a playoff spot.  Again, if he wins, he's in.  He doesn't really have a chance to pass Dan since he's been outscored by roughly 90 points, but he is ahead of Joe, and that's definitely a good thing. 

If Danny loses, he's out only if Joe wins.  Danny can do no better than the three seed.  He plays Siems to end the season.

Joe

Joe's on the outside looking in.  He absolutely needs to win and have one of Danny and Dan lose.  Simple enough really. 

Joe plays Jeff.

Jose's Patented Predictions!

I'm doubting Bryan's team, at least for this next week, after the 87 he put up against me last week.  However, he had Shady McCoy on bye, and AJ Green against Joe Haden.  Meanwhile, Dan might get Rodgers back, the Seahawks defense back, and Dez Bryant against Oakland.  It's a tough call, but I'm going to lean towards Bryan, if only to jinx him. 

Meanwhile, Danny playing Siems could be closer than we think, but without Megatron on his team anymore, I'm giving the edge to Danny.  Although, to be fair, both of Danny's surprise RBs have ridiculously tough matchups this week. 

As for Joe against Jeff, I've gotta think that Joe's team can rebound.  AP should slice up Chicago, and Lacy should slice up Detroit.  Matchups (outside of Brees) are in his favor. 

By my uneducated logic, I'm guessing this is how our playoffs will turn out:
Bryan vs Joe
Arun vs Danny

Yea, that happened.

Hypothetically...

2. As you know, this is our final week of the season.  That means that you can only keep whoever is on your roster after the Monday night game is complete.  Just a reminder for you all.

After a two week hiatus with my power rankings - and many trades later - I'm back to give the people what they want.  And what they want is an analysis of their playoff chances. 

Granted, not everyone wants to read that.  Namely, those who are eliminated from the playoffs already.  But fortunately for you guys, my interest hasn't waned in the slightest yet, despite my team's circumstances.  I'm still pumped to live vicariously through the people I want to win the championship, and will be paying attention intently. 

So below you'll find a breakdown of everyone's playoff chances, from best odds to worst odds.  You'll see that although he's clinched a spot, I'm still bringing up Bryan because of playoff seeding, so that'll be included too.  Let's start with the aforementioned Mr. Wendel -

Bryan
Remaining schedule: vs Jose, vs Dan

Bryan's already clinched a playoff spot.  And, realisticially, no one can challenge his points scored.  So Bryan's scenario is pretty simple:  win one game, and he's the one seed.  But even then, Dan has to outscore him by 100 points the next two weeks.  Not to mention that Bryan's matchup is pretty favorable this week against yours truly.  Let's not beat around the Reggie Bush: Bryan will finish the regular season in first.

Dan
Remaining schedule: vs Siems, vs Bryan

Has anyone noticed that Dan has lost three in a row and four of his last five?  His team started like hot fire, but with bye weeks and no Jordan Cameron to trumpet, he's gone cold.  Fortunately for him, he's scored enough points and won enough games to give himself a good cushion.  But there's an outside chance it might not be enough.  Get this:  Joe is now .5 games behind Dan, with Danny and Tim one game behind him. 

That's right, there's an outside chance Dan doesn't make the playoffs. 

Dan does control his own destiny though.  A win and he knocks Danny out of the equation and can fight off Tim and Joe.  If Joe loses, then Danny can't pass him based on points scored and it would knock Joe back, clinching Dan's spot.  If Tim wins and Dan wins, however, Tim would have an outside shot at passing Dan in the standings.  But at that point, Dan would be in the playoffs regardless. 

Katarya
Remaining schedule: vs KC, vs Tim

Katarya's team has streak its way to the top, and with his big trade with Baron, he's got the ammunition now to really put up some numbers.  Leveon has been a nice boost, Megatron is always awesome, and Antonio Brown has been a monster.  I still contend he's been a bit lucky (relying on Titans players for example), but he's become more consistent.  I don't think anyone's noticed, but Brown Kat now has more points scored than Joe and has an outside shot of passing Dan in that category. 

In terms of his playoff situation, he wins and he's in.  But he could end up all over the board.  Assuming he wins, he'll clinch the third seed and take on the Wyatt Justice division winner.  If he loses, then a whole bunch of fun can be had. 

A loss and a Joe win and Katarya finds himself in fourth.  If Tim wins as well, Katarya would be one game ahead of Tim with a massive points scored difference.  So if Tim beats Katarya the final week, Tim would actually vault Arun under this scenario.  Meanwhile, since this scenario assumes Joe won, a final week win over Jeff would actually knock Katarya out of the playoffs.

But if Danny beats Joe this week, then a Katarya loss would still put him ahead of Danny (based on points scored).  And depending on if Tim wins, Katarya would basically be in the same position as in the previous scenario. 

Basically, he should be rooting for a win, but if not, a Tim loss.  That would clinch him a spot. 

He'll be 3 or 4 seed though once he does make the playoffs. 

Joe
Remaining schedule: vs Danny, vs Jeff

It's not going out on a limb here to say that the game of the week this week is between Joe and Danny.  In Lehman's terms, whoever wins has the inside track on the playoffs, with the loser on the outside looking in.  But for Joe's sake, if he wins, he knocks Danny out and stays a half game ahead of Tim.  If Tim loses, Joe's in.  Looking back at all I've written, it seems like a Joe win plus a Tim loss would set up our playoff contestants. 

But let's say, for argument's sake, that Joe loses.  He'll be behind Danny and possibly Tim.  At that point, he would have to defeat Jeff and hope that both those two lose.  It wouldn't be impossible based on strength of schedule the final week, but it would definitely be an uphill battle. 

Joe has the inside track if he wins out, but even one loss would make the odds much, much more difficult.

Danny
Remaining schedule: vs Joe, vs Baron

As the Panthers go, so goes Danny.  With enough Panthers players to fill a press event, Danny's team has suddenly shot up the standings and has a VERY real prospect of making the playoffs.  Let's start with the obvious though:  If Danny loses this weekend, he's out of the playoffs.  He would be too far behind Katarya in points scored and he'd be 1.5 out of Joe.  So let's not even entertain that. 

If Danny wins, like I said in Joe's writeup, he'd be the four seed and control his own destiny.  What's more, he'd be playing Baron the final week, so odds would at least be on his side.  If Danny wins and Tim loses, then Tim's out of playoff contention, but if Tim wins, he could still pass Danny the final week of the season.  Again, I can't stress enough how crucial this game is for Joe and Danny.

Tim
Remaining schedule: vs Jeff, vs Katarya

He's been snakebitten all year, but unbeknownst to all (maybe even Tim too), Tim gets to play the crazy wild card of the playoff picture.  Get this, if Tim wins this week, he still has a chance to make the playoffs.  If he loses of course, then he's 100% out of the picture.  A matchup against Jeff is favorable, but Jeff's team has had some big games.  What's especially exciting about all of this is that a Tim win would actually put him in halfway decent position to overtake someone.  He wouldn't control his own destiny, but it's the next best thing. 

The loser of Joe/Danny would fall behind Tim if he won.  And if Tim wins the next week and the other loses, then voila, he's in.  What's even more fun is that if Katarya loses, then Tim has a chance to actually pass him in the standings next week in their Windy City Throwdown next week.  But if you want to make it simple, he absolutely has to win his next two, and get some luck on his side.

Jose, Baron, Jeff, KC

You know, I thought I was still mathematically in it, but then I just checked and there's no way.  So us four are officially eliminated.  We'll be watching with gusto to see who makes it.  Ok, actually it might just be me, but whatever, I still excite. 

On to the power rankings!

For lack of power rankings this week, here are the starting QBs of every team dancing. I did not make these, they were just too good to pass up.

1. Rack City Bitch (7-2 // 952 points scored)

2. Bad Shapes (7-2 // 924 points scored)
   
   
3. Brown Town (6-3 // 835 points scored) 
   
4. Redmond Remedial Ravers (5-3-1 // 842 points scored) 
   
5. Cam Newton's Pussy Riot (4-5 // 744 points scored) 
   
6. Swan City (3-3-3 // 790 points scored) 
   
7. Chicago Rillas (2-5-2 // 865 points scored) 
   
   
8. Baron Nashor (3-6 // 703 points scored) 
   
9. Andrew Jackson is a Sell-Out. (3-6 // 668 points scored) 
   
10. Can't Hutch This (2-7 // 783 points scored) 
    
    
    

This week made me sad.

Let's preface this with a bit of a backstory.  As you know, I haven't made the playoffs.  Story done?  Basically.

Anyways, in my desire to actually make the playoffs, I've become just a wee bit obsessed with trying to actually make it there.  I don't need to win the championship, I just need to make the playoffs.  But I've become a wee bit emotional about it.  That explains why I didn't respond to your completely harmless text yesterday Katarya (and why I won't respond to it).  When the stupid Eagles defense outscores the Chiefs defense, or when most of your team barely puts up yards but gets freaking touchdowns everywhere, of course you might end up with a sour taste in your mouth.

I need something to bring my spirits up.  Data.  Yes, wonderful, drug-like data.

As I write this, Ed says hi.  Now he says fuck off.  

Back to glorious numbers.

I did a quick breakdown of everyone's remaining strength of schedule because I flipping can.

Ed just admitted he loves musicals because he likes men.  His words, not mine.

I based strength of schedule on points scored, not record.  Here's the remaining strength of schedule, from easiest to toughest:

1. Danny
2. Jeff
3. Jose
4. Bryan
5. Dan
6. Joe
7. Baron
8. Tim
9. Arun
10. KC (Ed says to tell Ken specifically that he, quote, "sucks penis".  Endquote)

*Editor's note:  I wasn't intentionally trying to put that Yao Ming meme as the cover photo, but Blogspot defaulted with that image.  And who am I to argue with Blogspot?

What a fun week that was huh?

Well...except for the Vikings game (Danny not included).

As I pointed out, every team predicted to win by ESPN didn't, leaving the landscape of the league a bit different than any one of us would have thought.

For example, did anyone see Vernon Davis having something like 26 points in the first half.  Or how about Danny getting a combined 49 points from his Panthers.  Oh wait...the Vikings.  Or MJD producing double digit points.  Hilarity has ensued in the league.  And nowhere is that hilarity more prevalent in the fact that Dan's team lost to mine.  Congrats Dan, you've just earned your place on the Jose pantheon of annoying hashtags against people in the league.  With Ed no longer in the league, #edsteamsucks gets put in the Hall of Fame, while #factisdanlost now becomes my go to.

It's probably best I don't gloat since, you know, I'm a terrible winner.  That's what happens when you play on so many losing teams in your life.  You kind of never learn how to be a respectful winner.  So I'm just going to take a page out of Dan's book and let pictures tell a thousand words.  Or about nine words.  Either way, #factisdanlost.











And, to finish it off, this is how Dan must have felt losing to me.


Well, that about gets that out of my system.  No, wait, it doesn't.  But I'm going to move on.

Let's keep the subject matter on Dan and point out that he and Katarya play each other next week for the best record in the league.  Katarya needs to watch out because a loss and Bryan win would drop him all the way to third.  And with Joe playing myself, he'll have the winner right on his heels.  Katarya has a chance of going from first to out of the playoffs in two weeks (he plays me Week 8).

Meanwhile, Dan has a healthy points scored cushion, so he has some leeway if he loses.  Both he and Katarya are missing Packers WRs this week, so it should be an interesting matchup.  Side note:  Isn't that the ultimate cop out in one of these writeups?  Just saying "so it should be an interesting matchup" and moving on?  Yea, I went there.

I play Joe, which is relevant not only because we're 4th and 5th in the standings, but because we have a bet going.  Terms of the bet are as follows:  Loser has to give up their bed for one night to the winner and sleep on the couch.  A candy bar needs to be left on the pillow (to simulate pooping on someone's bed).

Bryan has a quote-unquote "easy" matchup against Danny, but as we've seen, give Carolina a decent matchup and they can score points.  I'd still give the edge to Bryan though.

Tim scored 90+ points again even without a Jimmy Graham catch.  That's a good thing because he doesn't have him again this week.  He's outscored Baron all but one week this year.  Guess who he plays?  I don't think you need to wonder who I think is going to win this game.  Although Phillip Rivers is playing Jacksonville...

And then there's Ken and Jeff.  This seems like a good game for K to get his C legs underneath him again (C what I did there?).  Jeff has one of those team you don't expect to see much out of, then he'll suddenly beat you out of nowhere and you're like "the hell was that?"  But I think Peyton's pissed off about last week and is gonna go on and throw three touchdowns.  Because why the f*** not.

Anyways, power rankings!

Well, it's about a third of the way through the season and there's only one thing we know for sure:

That I've kept these power rankings going...somehow.

But, I mean, we also know a couple of other things -

1. KC has a chance to win every week so long as he has Peyton Manning.  But of course, he also has Stevan Ridley, so...

2. Dan's team is good

3. Danny's team is, um, unfortunate?

4. We're all inclined to call Katarya's record lucky.

5. I still haven't made the playoffs

6. Joe's still got AP

7. #Edsteamsucks

8. Tim is surviving on a team that's made of more and more Chicago Bears

9. I still haven't made the playoffs

10.  Baron's winning games again (two games means I can use the plural again)

11. Jeff still loves Larry Fitzgerald

Awards could be given for the first trimester, but that doesn't seem my place *coughhinthintsomeoneotherthandanormyselfshouldwritesomethingcoughcough*,  Oh, excuse me.  I must've had some flem or something in my throat.

Anywho...on to the rankings!

Le huh?

Le wut?

I iz confused.

Yes, I'm referring to how our league has gone after four weeks.  Riddle me this:

RBs are looking even worse this year than last year, whatever TE renaissance that was supposed to happen hasn't come to fruition like the "experts" said it would, Mike Vick is back being awesome, and your favorite defenses haven't done jack squat this year (except maybe Seattle).  I mean, Tom Brady was just traded for Darren Sproles.  Darren Sproles!  Even last year I don't know if anyone would've done this.  But to be fair for Baron, he has Philip Rivers suddenly acting like he's 26 and in his primo days.  Let's save our judgement on that trade for after it processes, but for now let's just marvel in the fact that after four weeks, Joe is a playoff team, Tim has scored more points than anyone (and is 2-2), while Danny is having reverse luck this year and I'm still on the outside looking in for the playoffs.

Did you guys know Joe was in London for the Vikings game?  If you didn't, I recommend talking to him and getting his stories about Wembley and London and stuff.

There's a lot of fun that's still to come in this league.  And despite the absolute premature timing of this call, I'm still going to come right out and predict the final league standings and playoff teams.  Here we go, in reverse order:

10. Danny
9. Baron
8. Jose
7. Jeff
6. KC
5. Arun
4. Joe
3. Bryan
2. Tim
1. Dan

Dan defeats Joe, Tim defeats Bryan.

And because I can, Tim defeats Dan.

Now on to the rankings!  Note that stats aren't updated on the blog.  That'll happen tomorrow.  I'm feeling good and lazy tonight.

How many Tight End jokes can you think of in the next twenty seconds?  Go ahead, I'll wait.

The tight end position is the funniest position in football (not just for the name either).  They block, they catch, hell some even run the ball.  They might be the most do-it-all position in the NFL.  Might be.  But for fantasy purposes, they can be an absolute treasure trove or wasteland.  And, if this year is any indication, they could be the ultimate resource in winning a championship.

It takes until about after Week 3 before I start trusting the validity of scores and teams in the league, so let's go ahead and dig a little deeper into what we're seeing so far in the season.

Tight Ends Anonymous

The two highest scoring teams in the league, right now, are Tim and Dan respectively.  Who has the highest scoring tight end totals?  Those two, in order.  Dan's got a pretty big gap on yours truly - who's in third - but Tim is smoking the competition like it's no one's business.  Easy now Jimmy Graham.  The tight end position could very well be the key to winning a championship this year.  But if it's any indication, it's a huge boost to have a great Tight End this year, not just a good one.

Where The Wild Things Are

That's just a fancy way of saying "check out the flex spot".  Look where Tim is again.  The dude isn't winning because he has the greatest running game in the world (although Lynch is darn good), nor is he winning because he has the greatest WR core (but then there's Desean Jackson).  He's winning because he's winning the funny spots at TE and flex.  Meanwhile, Joe's seeing a nice boost here too.

That'll Cost y\You A Quarter(back)

You gotta feel for Ken right now.  He's DOMINATING the QB position this year.  And, at the very least, he's got a deep WR group.  So that should get him a win somewhere, but it just hasn't come together.  Ken's up 20 points on the second highest scoring team from the QB spot, Dan.  This year was touted to be a deep QB class, and so far it has been as six teams are averaging nearly 16 points or more from their QB spot.

What Really Matters

I'm naturally biased towards the WR/RB positions.  If you dominate there, I think you can sustain success throughout the year.  Or, at the very least, compete.  That's not discredit teams who dominate at other positions, it's just that, with more players playing those two spots, you're going to get less volatility (again, my opinion).  So if that matters, at all, then Dan, Tim, Bryan, and Joe are all looking prettier in my eyes than everyone else (cue the Chang meme).  They're all in the top five in scoring amongst those two positions.

Having said all that, let's move on to the power rankings to see who goes where something something.

"Who can I trade with?"
"Should I drop this guy?"


Sure, it's a poor example, but to an extent it's true.  I think we all bargain, get angry, get upset, deny the truth to some degree, etc.  But it is only Week 2, so we can't overreact too much.  That being said, if I had to guess, a team starting 0-3 to start a season probably doesn't have the greatest odds of making it to the playoffs.  So if you're KC, Danny, or Baron, maybe you can overreact.  That or try to hack someone's computer and mess with their lineups.

On to the rankings!

I have been trying to think of the best way to start off the season's first in-season power rankings.  But I can't.  Those no story or quip to get the ball rolling.  I mean, after all, it's early in the season and we can't take these rankings too seriously.  It literally is just whoever scored the most points in order from top to bottom.  Sorry, I should've said spoiler alert.

But that was one heckuva week wasn't it?  We saw not one, not two, but three tight ends score over 20 points (and Jason Witten barely missed that mark with 19).  We saw Peyton throw for seven TDs and 46 points.  Reggie Bush torched the Vikings, Colin Kaepernick torched the Packers, and even Desean Freakin' Jackson had a good game.  This is the first time I can remember a defense not getting double digit points in a week.  Not one (that was played at least).

Of course, that meant that some team had to go ahead and set the single game scoring record.  Bryan's chameleon-of-a-name team went ahead and thrashed the crap out of Jeff, which is sad when you think about it, because Jeff scored 112 points!  Seriously, that's ridiculous.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Baron - he of the three championships - looked like me when he scored the fewest points of the week.  In fact, outside of Danny, Baron would've lost by 25 to 8th lowest scoring team, KC.

Speaking of, how in the aych ee double hockey stick does he not win?  How?  The dude had 46 from Peyton.  I was sending Snapchats at 3 in the morning saying "Fuk yo' team Ken" and then I come back and win?  Well, I have a theory.  Mike Wallace sucks.  Kyle Rudolph sucks (only because he has Ponder).  Arian Foster sucked against the Chargers.  Come on Kenny.  I know your team is better than this.  You can't let the league laughingstock beat you.

Draft is over!  Let's celebrate.


With another one in the books, and with a new schedule put together (read my damn post people!), I'm moving right on and fulfilling my promise of some new power rankings.  These rankings are my own damn opinion, and if you couldn't tell, I'm a bit of a contrarian when it comes to this game.  It hasn't gotten me anywhere to this point...yet.  But you can basically anticipate some things that you won't agree with, and for that matter, most of the league either.


These power rankings, if you must know, take into account everything about everyone's team; from how they drafted, to who they drafted, to team potential both now and later down the road.  Just in case you were wondering.

So let's dance with Mr. Devito...right into the post-draft rankings.

Recently our league page has had 90% of its conversation centered around keepers.  It's been a bunch of "value this", "X and Y that", "drops", "pickups", and "cost".

Oh my.

But now that it's over, let's move our attention back towards some other things.  Namely, power rankings.  Because who doesn't love a good power ranking?  Oh, you don't?  Well aren't you the Madeline Albright of good moods.  I don't care if that doesn't make sense.

"And it's with that waffle recipe I got President Clinton to name me Secretary of State."

So here's the post-Dan's keeper system-a-bob Danny Devito power rankings, updated to reflect any possible changes that people may come up because of this new keeper system.  Needless to say, according to myself, I'm moving up in the rankings.  Cool.  Cool cool cool.

Welcome back.