I’M BACK!

(I don't have my new HBO photo ready yet so this one of me and my 70s porn mustache will do.)

I know it’s been a few years since I’ve checked in on my 5th favorite fantasy league behind the one I have with Jon Hamm, my AL-only League of Dorks Keeper Baseball League, and two random other ones, but C’MON! I’ve been busy producing 30 For 30s, NBA podcasts, and hardly writing about real sports topics in the first place.

Since I still have some down time before I start at HBO next month, (CHEAP PLUG ALERT! At 12:01am, October 1st, with Cousin Sal on my new podcast) I figured I’d see how Real Men Cry has been progressing.

...This is how bored I am. Besides, it’s been 2 full weeks and I don’t have any more thoughts on DeflateGate or Roger Fuckin’ Goodell. (I can swear now at HBO! Did I mention I’m at HBO already?)

I see though that there have been some changes in this league and also some things that never change. 

For one, it looks like we have a new champion and it’s someone who joined the league after my last column for you guys. He’s like my friend J-Bug. Or House. One of those guys.

Also, the one year the Cowboys fan doesn’t have Dez or Romo is the one year they both get seriously hurt in the first 2 weeks of the season. Must be his year.

The things that never change? The Panthers fan has multiple Panthers. The commish’s team starts out 0-2 again. They’re like the Buffalo Bills of this league. Then there’s… WHOA! Is that a BUTT GIF?! This league has definitely made some progress.

On that note, let’s get into it. My Week 2 Power Rankings, of course outlined in reverse order through my made-up divisions, and even including actual e-mails from actual readers.

THE ROGER GOODELL DIVISION

10. Hairon Buttarya (0-2)

Obviously this divsion has to be named for the absolute worst and this week there's only one team who is in my made-up division. And it's really simple as to why....

How could a team with THOMAS BRADY and ROBERT GRONKOWSKI be 0-2?!

Probably because its team owner doesn't start THOMAS FREAKING BRADY.

Doesn't Buttarya know that this is like the Patriots F U Season all over again? They're going to put up 40+ points a game, Brady is going to throw 60 times, and Gronkowski is going to average 2.5 touchdown spikes a game. Book it.

I see why he has the Butt GIF now, he must be the Mark Sanchez of this league. Fitting he has Andrew The Giant Luck instead of Brady in his lineup. The Colts first 2 losses have really been deflating.

Happier times.

A photo posted by Bill Simmons (@sptguy33) on Sep 21, 2015 at 11:02pm PDT

Fortunately for Buttarya things can only go up. Calvin, Cobb, and Latavius should all help the Brady/Gronk combo to notch him his first W over the #9 ranked team below. But given the couple weeks missteps and draft moves that look worse in hindsight, Buttarya is in the Roger Goddell division for now. It's only fitting with his team name and logo.

Hey! Our first e-mail. And it's clearly a friend of the league...

Bill, 

I don’t care about football. But my Brown Town brother from another mother has a humilating fantasy football punishment you'll enjoy.

The champion from last year got to pick the team name and logo for the last place team. So my friend now has to go by “Hairon Buttarya” and his logo is a custom GIF of his head popping out of a butt crack. Where does this rank on your made up pantheon of fantasy football punishments?



I'm really only asking because I also want you to write about tennis. I only care about tennis and Roger Federer but he had to go out and LOSE to Novak Djokovic AGAIN in the US Open. Can you write about how Federer is still the GOAT so I can feel better?

- Mihir P., Kansas City, MO

C'mon, write about tennis?! This is the most I've written about football in a year. And I have to prepare for my annual worst GM summit and 5-part NBA trade value columns that will go live in January and February of next year. So no, I don't have time.

But I do take my pantheons very seriously. Hairon Buttarya (and that GIF) would rank towards the top... somewhere between the Dirk Diggler Tier and The Wire because The Wire is at the top of any pantheon of mine.

THE JAY CUTLER DIVISION

9. Urban Explorer John (0-2)

8. Lincoln’s American Cousin (0-2)

First off, if you blend these two team names together, do you get a “Finkle and Einhorn” flashback or is that just me? Urban Explorer John IS Lincoln's American Cousin!

Anyway... to explain the Jay Cutler Division, it's the one with the fantasy teams that for the first 2 weeks did the equivalent of straining a hamstring while trying to futilely tackle a linebacker en route to a pick 6. 

In other words, they stumbled out of the gate due to a mix of injuries, luck, and drafting a couple of the top big-round busts.

Urban Explorer John has a couple of them: Jimmy Graham and Jeremy Hill, but are they really going to be non-factors for the rest of the year? The real life Seahawks are 0-2 so they're definitely going to get Jimmy Graham the ball more (and they got the Bears this week) and Jeremy Hill got benched for a fumble and that Giovanni Bernard started hot. Feels temporary to me. Throw in the consistency of Rodgers and maybe John can overcome Dez's fantasy season-ending injury. At least to come close, but not actually make the playoffs again.

As for Lincoln's Cous, CJ Anderson has been a bust so far, but could that just be because of 2 tough defensive matchups: the notoriously stingy Ravens and the suddenly stingy Chiefs? My concern with them is he's relying on Sam Bradford to suddenly be good. Are we sure he's good? Compounding that with Jordan Matthews is high-risk, high-reward at this point. If the future airs toward the latter, and Shady McCoy steps it up in his new situation, then Lincoln's Cous will be into the playoff picture come November. And you can't count out a 2-time league champ (even if the last one was back in 2011.)

Back to the inbox!

Simmons.

My friend Jose is in a keeper league and before the draft, he traded Gronk for Travis Kelce (+ draft cash) with the intention to keep Kelce, but instead kept Davante Adams when the Jordy Nelson injury happened. Then the Packers true #2 WR emerged as James Jones, who was a FA until Week 2. How insulted are you? I’m still laughing at this and I’m not even a Patriots fan.

HAHAHAHA. BOX. []

- Ed S. Fridley, MN

Very. Also, what the fuck does BOX mean? 

THE "AFC CONTENDERS" DIVISION

7. Cam Newton’s Pussy Riot (1-1)

6. Chicago Rillas (2-0)

5. Mr. Balloon Hands (0-2)

4. Baron Nashor (1-1)

This is the tightest cluster of teams to rank. 4 teams, varying in records, that don’t look like juggernauts, but could absolutely make the playoffs even though they are flawed in many different ways. So basically, every non-Patriots team in the AFC!

We'll start with #7, Cam Newton's Pussy Riot, who doesn't deserve to be ranked this low, but that's fitting because he doesn't deserve a lot of the luck he gets in this league. His team has put up a respectable amount of points the first 2 weeks of the season and has one of the league's best QB combos in Matt Ryan and his team's namesake. The other Panthers' skill players he has though? Ouch. Even more alarming, will Alfred Morris still be effective with the emergence of Matt Jones? How about Matt Forte who just may be a product of a horrible Bears team? Why can't I stop asking questions?

That's right! At #6, I have an undefeated team. Albeit it's the luckiest one of the bunch because the Chicago Rillas have basically won both weeks because of the other team's stupidity (not starting the GOAT), the other team's injury luck (Tony Romo), Donte Moncrief having to make up a 16 PT deficit vs. Adam Vinatieri and actually doing it, and finally the unrealistic output from kicker Robbie Gould (14 PTS each week). It feels great to be a homer, I can relate.

Going forward, he's relying on 4 rookie RBs and DeMarco Murray plus the white CP3 (Carson Palmer #3). Let's just say this luck can go the opposite way fast.

That's why his Week 2 opponent, the 0-2 Mr. Balloon Hands, is actually ranked higher. Even though he lost Romo, he's got a couple of stud WRs — ODB & DeAndre Hopkins — and a couple of stud RBs — Marshawn Lynch and the soon to be returning Arian Foster. That's a good segue to this e-mail...

Sports Guy,

Once Arian Foster returns, will he return to his usual elite fantasy status?

I smartly gave up fantasy football years ago, but in the league I used to be in, my co-owner ALWAYS picked Arian Foster because he is ALWAYS good. I don’t think that changes in 2015. Not yet. Whoever has him stashed on their team is in great shape. He’ll be back soon and it’s ONLY September. Baseball is still on for crying out loud! The wife and I can't wait for this weekend’s Twins-Tigers series.

- K.C. Hutch, Eden Prairie, MN

Agreed. Mr. Balloon Hands and the Chicago Rillas should both be 1-1 and I'll go with the proven players over the rooks.

Rounding out this division is the 1-1 Baron Nashor squad led by Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson, who both looked like their old selves last week. Of course I counted out Peyton in a night game and bet on Andy Reid last week... hold on, I have to light myself on fire. Plus, there's another vintage vet on this team that suddenly looks like his old studly self: Larry Fitzgerald. Albeit the 3 TDs were against the Bears, Fitz puts up good numbers when Carson Palmer is healthy and it's about time the Fitz pick pays dividends for Nashor. Here's what may submarine his chances though: having the Saints playmakers. If Brees is hurt and/or struggling how will Brandin Cooks and Mark Ingram live up to their pre-season rankings?

One last e-mail before the next division...

After his big game Sunday, is it OK to wear an Adrian Peterson jersey in public now? My brother and I have matching authentics: I’ve got the home purple, he’s got the away white. 

- Kevin T., North Minneapolis, MN

Great question. Doesn’t the AP controversy feel more like 5 years ago than 1 year ago now? In the season's first two weeks, the nonstop coverage of DeflateGate overshadowed Peterson’s return to football. Was that Goodell’s plan all along? Make people forget about the league’s players doing bad things and concussions? *nods sheepishly* Oh wait, I don’t work for ESPN anymore. YES IT WAS AND ROGER GOODELL SHOULD BE FIRED!!!!!

By the way, you guys should absolutely wear those jerseys together. Match your shoes and hats with them too. It’d be like a 2015 version of Miami Vice in Minnesota! (Wait a second, that’s genius! Excuse me while I mail in the rest of this column so I can go pitch this show to HBO, starring Michael B. Jordan, Jonah Hill, and my Cousin Sal as a two-faced bookie.)

THE BRADY & BELICHICK DIVISION

3. Redmond Remedial Ravers (2-0)

2. Beats By Bryan (2-0)

1. High Voltage Death Clouds (2-0)

The divsion reserved for the elite. And it's only right we have a 3-way battle between 2 of the most consistent contenders in league history and the defending champ.

The Champ should really be 1-1 though. His 56 points narrowly beat John's 53 last week and would have lost to every other team in the league. That's how the cookie crumbles sometimes and for the Ravers, his best case scenario of overcoming Le'veon Bell's 2-game suspension was fulfilled with 2 wins. Now that Bell is back, the Ravers should resume juggernaut status assuming Eddie Lacy's injury isn't too serious. Those two, plus Ivory at the flex, gives the Ravers the strongest set of backs in the league. Phil Rivers replaces Brees at QB and a solid set of pass catchers gives them one of the best teams on paper going forward.

Beats By Bryan may have had the weakest couple of keepers going into the season, but he drafted well around them. Plus, Sammy Watkins looks to be consistent with Tyrod Taylor. Big Ben will be a stud so long as he has Antonio Brown and his Chiefs — Jamaal Charles (choke fumble notwithstanding) and Travis Kelce — are amongst the best at their positions. My concern is his RB2. Abdulluh had a very rookie-esque follow-up to his Week 1 and the Colts suck so that doesn't bode well for Frank Gore.

The unquestioned #1 in this group is the High Voltage Death Clouds. The strategy to draft (or keep) 3 stud WR1s is paying off as Antonio Brown, Demaryius Thomas, and A.J. Green are about as good a WR combo as I've seen compared to my west coast league with Jon Hamm. My man-crush Russell Hustle and Bustle Wilson and the Seahawks D were still good even in losses and we can't forget about the Death Clouds' secret weapon: DION LEWIS!!! If fantasy football didn't come down to luck like David Tyree's Helmet Catch, I would just give the High Voltage Patriots the trophy today.


MY WEEK 3 PICKS
(home teams in bold)
Because I'm a degenerate gambler, you know, if it was legal. 

HAIRON BUTTARYA (-9.5) over Urban Explorer John
In the lone battle of winless teams this week, Buttarya climbs out of the butt crack because Brady and Gronk will probably put 50 up on Jacksonville this week. The Patriots D may add a couple more TDs to that versus the immortal Blake Bortles.

Redmond Remedial Ravers (+ 5.2) over MR. BALLOON HANDS
I'm taking my own advice in the NFL Gambling Manifesto that almost certainly applies to Fantasy Football — when in doubt, take the road dog if you think they could win. This matchup can go either way and may sway one way or another depending on the gametime decisions of DeAndre Hopkins, Eddie Lacy, and Chris Ivory. Balloon Hands picked up Eli to match up with ODB and against the Washington D so that may end up deciding the matchup too.

LINCOLN'S AMERICAN COUSIN (+4.7) over Baron Nashor
Lincoln's Cous will compound Peyton Manning in a night game by hopefully getting a touchdown or 2 from his own Emmanuel Sanders. Maybe CJ Anderson catches one out of the backfield too. His Bills (Tyrod and LeSean) have to perform well against a Miami D that suddenly looked vulnerable last week. For Nashor, it comes back to those Saints playmakers. Will they help out good games assuredly to come from AP and Julian "All I Do is Catch Footballs" Edelman?

Beats By Bryan (-2.6) over CAM NEWTON'S PUSSY RIOT
On one side, the Pussy Riot's skill players are question marks for this immediate week: Forte, Morris, and Evans. On the flip side, the Colts may actually win a game at the lowly Titans. That bodes well for Bryan's T.Y. and Gore. And Big Ben will also have a big day for Beats by Bryan. (I just had to write that out. We're at this point in the column already.)

High Voltage Death Clouds (-20.2) over CHICAGO RILLAS
20.2 point favorites?! And I'm taking them?!

Well, did you see the matchups? Russell Wilson and the Seahawks Defense are going against the Bears. And all 3 WRs have favorable draws as well, especially Antonio Brown on the St. Louis turf. Let's see if the Chicago Joneses can keep up with them.

My parlay:
If gambling were legal, I may or may not have a 3-game parlay with Cousin Sal on Beats, Lincoln's Cous, and Buttarya. 

*re-reads last sentence*

...HBO, do I have to wait til October 1st? Can I start tomorrow?!

One last e-mail because we're in range...

Bill,
Longtime fan, first time writer. I hope you don't mind, but I had this idea a few years ago to write your football column but analyze my fantasy league. It was a big hit at the time and I wanted to dust off the concept for this week. You don't mind, do you? 

You're pretty fun and easy to emulate: Brady, DeflateGate, reference Boogie Nights, Goodell sucks, make gambling picks, make fun of the Colts, reference your friends, Brady, create a mailbag, plug yourself in all parenthesis, Patriots, classify things in pantheons and divsions, Belichick, etc. 

I can knock it out in an hour or 2 and if you like it, I can ghostwrite for you while you do podcasts? 

P.S. Can't wait for NBA season to start too!
- Tim H. Chicago, IL

Yup, these are my readers.