The High Voltage Death-Clouds would like to urge caution for the upcoming season.  Making contact with the Death-Clouds is likely to result in serious injury/disability up to and including death.



You have been warned...

Happy Birthday Week Bryan!!!

Happy Birthday says Lynch,
Beating you'll be a synch.
He scored me two touchdowns...
You're like the logs that I pinch.

Kaepernick is a hack.
But even he beats your backs.
Your wideouts Are pitiful...
Your whole team is whack!

You should get off this ride.
I've got Luck on my side.
Dez and D Thom are awesome...
Something about you and poop...ide

Know what's worse than your men?
Guesses from ESPN.
Projections from a weatherman...
With the brain of a wren.

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Bryan...
Your beard looks like poo.

P.S.  Thanks for letting us stay with you!

P.P.S.  Actually, the beard is pretty good...that was below the belt.  But you're still gonna lose.

Alright folks!  Since the keeper deadline is approaching (August 10th @ 7:00PM CST) I thought I'd refresh people on some of the particulars of our keeper policies.

As you hopefully remember, we use the Keeper Calculator to calculate keeper contracts.  As you can see in the link, you can keep someone for anywhere from 1-5 years.  As the length of the contract increases, the keeper price increases, meanwhile the penalty for deciding to drop said keeper increases.  All that should be explained by the calculator, but if you have specific questions, let me (Dan) or Jose know.

Once you've decided who you are keeping, double check to see if you at any point dropped your planned keepers even if you initially drafted them.  This is because while drafted players' base values (the number you put in the first blue box) are based off of the last year's draft price, waiver pick-ups (including those whom you initially drafted but then dropped) are based off of half the average ESPN auction value rounded up.  Also, remember to check Jose's unkeepable list.

Finally if you are dropping a keeper that you currently have under contract, you can pay the penalty either all in one lump sum or you can pay it out over the remaining years of the contract.  If you feel capable of filling out the entire keeper sheet on this year's draft doc, go ahead.  If you find it confusing at least put your keeper name and contract length in there.

That should be it, again if you have any questions ask me or Jose.  See you on draft day!!!

There once was a Jeff from Nantucket,
Who picked players as if from a bucket.
He was two and five,
His team did not thrive,
So he packed up his things and said fuck it!

The best of them all is named Dan.
He is said to be truly, "The Man!"
He wins all the ships,
Consumes many dips,
And declares with great vigor, "SPAAAAAAAN"

Twas not fear'd at all, Baron Nashor.
When they play'd, twas naught but a bore.
Jones-Drew is just bad,
Fitz's story is sad,
And Frank's last name ought be snore.

The Bad Shapes, most feared in the land.
Every game like two birds in the hand.
With six players top ten,
They will win again.
And stay in first place just as plan'd.

DM²...more like BM²!

Jordan Reed has scored a combined 0 points the past two weeks...that sounds about right as a starter for your team Jose.

If you added all of your losses and ties to your wins, you'd have as many wins as I do.

Jamaal Charles...the blisters on his feet put blisters on my heart.

I've scored more points for than any team has against.  You've scored 5 points more than you've had scored against.

Dez Bryant is the #1 WR...Washington is ranked 28th against WRs...math.

Demaryius and the Broncos are up against Jacksonville...enough said.

My team colors are better than yours, also my logo makes more sense.

What the hell did Joe need help with on Sunday?

There once was a man named AP.
Whose bye week fell unfortunately.
For Joe he faced Dan,
The essence of man,
Poor Joe stood no chance don't you see?!

Joe thinks that he's worthy of fame.
Quite frankly, I think that he's lame
Hit his ceiling last week.
No AP? His team reeks!
I win 'ships like it's part of my name!

I'm not scared because you have Drew Brees.
I will surely beat you with great ease.
Last week Austin scored zero,
Josh Brown also scored zero.
It'll be easier than a making a sneeze.

I've got Rodgers, Dezeus, and D-Tom.
Add Jam-Cham in, that guys the bomb.
S. Janikowski,
And Hawks by the Sea,
You'll be trounced with stalwart aplomb.

Alright, so with this being my first week of EMT Class, along with figuring out all sorts of other life stuff, I haven't had much time to dis you Jeff.  Thus I'm just going to spit a couple of FFB Haiku your way, here goes:

Gore got you some points
Too bad you have Eli Manning
That guy sucks real bad

Yes, you have Dwayne Bowe
Though last week he got zero
I prefer rainbows

I've got two J.C.s
Like the wind they score touchdowns
Steady as two mountains

Me, unstoppable
Half my guys undropable
A tree thrives in spring

Alright, I have a semi-original idea!!  Unfortunately by it's very nature it relies on unoriginalness...
Oh well, I don't have much time this week so here goes!

Dan vs Danny:

Things will stay the same!

I am ASHAMED of you!!
...
Or, I'm very impressed by you.

Either way I expect all of you will begin to desperately seek out my approval.  I assume most of you have seen the Colbert Report at some point, so this will be an adaptation of his segment of the same name, no pun intended.  In case you don't know what I'm talking about...you know what, figure it out.  So without further ado:

My first Wag of the Finger is for the most egregious of offenses, unoriginalness, and it goes to...Me (Dan).

Butterflies, Flowers, and INTENSITY!!!

While I don't apologize whatsoever, I do recognize that (most of) my pieces haven't been original in form.  However, until I come up with my own, I'm going to try to recreate others' success.  Because in the end, isn't that what the entertainment industry is all about?


Tip of the Hat:  Tim-picking up Joique Bell.

Me giving Tim a glare as he steals Joique out from under me.

We definitely all should have bid more on Joique, but as the next closest bidder I was particularly annoyed/approving of Tim's budding bidding skills.  Well met young man, well met.  I'm going to say Tibs over Danny by 5 just for that.  Also, good jabs at AK, which leads me to...


Wag of the Finger:  Arun-Picking up Edelman for $46.

Really?  Looks fine to me.

Oops.  I'm sure Arun will continue to defend his move well past when Amendola and Gronko are leaving Edelman with 2 targets on 8 snaps in a couple of weeks time.  Honestly I should probably be tipping my hat, because when a real keeper hits the block, Erun will have blown his whole load...and in a shcool zone!

Tip of the Hat:  Bryan-151 Points



Wag of the Finger:  Kenrisa, for going up against the Bad Shapes.
It may not be totally his fault, but still not a good move.  I say Shapes by 20.
http://realmencrytc.blogspot.com/2013/09/ode-de-noob.html
Enough Said.


Tip of the Hat: Bear, for securing top waiver priority in tie-breakers by sucking ass!

Get it?

Seriously though, good job!  It was fun watching Erun just barely lose out on Thomas.  I predict Siems will bounce back and take the week 92-84.

Wag of the Finger:  Jeff, for not scoring enough points.

You're supposed to score enough points, Jeff!  I say Jeff loses by 39 again, because that's what he's proven hes' capable of.  So I guess that means Jose 39-Jeff 0.

Tip of the Hat: Joe, for having AP on your team.

Duh!

Still I think Bryan takes it by at least 10...or loses by 1.  Yeah he's probably going to lose by 1.

And one final Tip of the Hat to...

Whoever starts to do a weekly match-up preview...or other weekly article...or semi-weekly article...or excessively talks trash...or you know, whatever.

0-2, that’s you, 0-2