A talking dog voiced by Ed Oneil finds that the only way he can connect with his human counterparts is to call in to talk-radio stations.

Coming summer 2018, "First Time Collar"

Out of sheer boredom, I'm going to rank everyone's team name from last year based on whatever criteria I want.  What I say is final.

10. Deeper Than Joses Xmas Gift

There's a lot wrong here.  Let's start with the poor punctuation.  C'mon Bryan, at least try to admit that it was my Christmas gift.  I was good boy this year and earned whatever gift came my way.  Secondly, much like the rent, the name is too damn high.  Or long.  Whatever.  I think Bryan's running out of good insults for me.

9. Dumpster Fire

Much like my "My Season? I don't wanna taco about it" team name from last year, Katarya went with the I've-given-up-on-my-season moniker for about half the year.  Here's the thing, it's actually a catchy name!  I kinda like it as a full season team name.  Easy to say, rolls off the tongue, and not too many syllables.  Aw yea, it's a good burn.  Unfortunately, it loses points due to only being used for about half the season.  And the fact that it was a concessionary name.

8. Montana Man Buns

This was a strong candidate for last place.  Why?  Because for years Siems has given us some strong, historical alliteration.  Or, at the very least, something that reminded us of our past leaders or glory (I'm not crediting Ol' Hickory).  But this last year he goes with Man Buns?  Ugh...go have an IPA and tell me about Arcade Fire some more Erin.

7. Baron Nashor

This is purely down here because to this day I still say it wrong.  Yes, I've watched a bit of LoL online before despite still not knowing what the hell is going on.  And every time some team goes out and slays that damn dragon, they its name and I realize every time I say it wrong.  I never learn.  So yea, either have them officially change the pronunciation of this damn thing, or it stays in the bottom half of my ever-so-finite rankings.

6. Sydney Pinga Poppers

I have no idea what a Pinga is, but I'm assuming some type of drug?  *Googles Pinga*  Ah, apparently it's a Bollywood movie.  So, that being the case, and since I've already started typing Joe into the 6th place rank, that fact doesn't have any bearing on my decision making.  But I think what knocks this down a peg is that he's so close to some seriously strong alliteration.  Couldn't have gone with Perth Joe?

5. Cam Newton's Pussy Riot

Now we start getting into the classic names.  The ones that have stood the test of time.  First up is Danny's team, which sits at the 5 ranking because, even without Cam Newton, Danny has had his team named after the guy and an event that happened four or five years ago.  One might even call them the good ol' days (just not for that band).  *Editors note, I didn't bother to check to see if Danny actually has Cam Newton on his team

4. Sass Squatches

See?  This is a name I can get behind.  Behind the obvious logo awesomeness, it's dripping with alliteration.  It also sticks with Dan's historical theme of finding a photo and naming his team after that.  He's like most pop-artists nowadays: find a beat and write a song around that.  You can't call him the Adele of the league, that's for sure.  He does get knocked down to 4th purely because the names above his are just that much better.

3. Mr. Balloon Hands

One of only two names in this league to never change, Sean has one of the most iconic brands in the league.  It's stoic, reserved, and historically very good.  Also, he loves lighthouses.  This isn't the catchiest name out there.  It doesn't roll off your tongue or stick in your head.  But it sticks.  And by golly, you know it means something when you read it.

2. Chicago Rillas

I mean, the dude lives in LA now.  So it should be the LA Rillas, but they already have the Lakers, and they don't need two teams who's names are stolen from other cities and that don't make sense.  I mean, they have such names that were created in LA like the Chargers, Clippers, Dodgers, Giants, and Rams.  All of them original names to the city.  But alas, this is now the most iconic name in the league.  Never to have changed and with two championships to its name, this team has earned the #2 spot.  Wait, #2 spot?

1. Rodeo Creamwagon

Just say it.  Over and over and over and over.  It's catchy, it's witty, and it's glorious.  I'm changing it next year.