Guess what?  Guess WHAT?!

I haven't done any studying this year for fantasy football.  I've sat down in front of a computer, thought "Okay, let's do this", then gotten really bored and walked away.

But that doesn't mean I've done nothing fantasy football related!  Au contrair mo'fair (or whatever)

August 30th.  4 pm CST.

August 30th.  4 pm CST.

August 30th.  4 pm CST.

I'm being overbearing because I want to hammer home the point that our draft is August 30th.  4 pm CST.  Of course, with our draft being August 30th, 4 pm CST, it's only natural that we want to know who were playing against.  After all, the first four weeks of the season are generally some of the most important.  Get off to a good start and you're well positioned before the bye weeks.  Get off to a bad start and you turn into Hairon Buttarya and trade away your team for the right to get money to pay off a stupid contract you signed a couple of years back.

(Side note.  Whenever Arun goes into full tank mode, he'll forever turn into his alter ego Hairon Buttarya.  At least for me.  That name is too good not to use in some context.  At least for me.)

Either way, I've finally put together this year's schedule.  I'll provide a breakdown, but only highlight the matchup I find most interesting for that week.  Enjoy.

Week 1:
Danny vs Jeff
Arun vs Tim
Jose vs Dan
Sean vs Bryan

Matchup of the week: Joe vs Siems

Joe used his "Champion's Right" to choose Siems as his week one opponent.  His reasoning?  "Because it's past dynasty vs future dynasty".  I don't necessarily agree with that as it's recognizing Baron as once having had a dynasty.  But alas, Joe has chosen this.  But this has the look of being one of the best opening weeks yet.  Arun vs Tim?  Sean vs Bryan?  Danny vs Jeff?  All those have their own storylines.  I'd like to say Jose vs Dan would be interesting, but other than #factisdanlost, there really isn't much to talk about.

Week 2:
Danny vs Arun
Joe vs Jose
Bryan vs Baron
Sean vs Tim

Matchup of the week: Dan vs Jeff

Why these two you may be asking?  Because if I had to redo my preseason keeper rankings, Jeff's keepers would vault up a bit thanks to the AP hype train that's gaining speed.  And I'm intrigued by Jeff's keepers, because if he has a good draft this year, he could take become a formidable opponent.  I think this game could be closer than people think.

Week 3:
Jose vs Arun
Danny vs Bryan
Dan vs Tim
Jeff vs Baron

Matchup of the week: Joe vs Sean

This is pretty simple.  Last year's regular season champion vs last year's end-of-season champion.  Not much more explanation needed

Week 4:
Danny vs Sean
Joe vs Arun
Bryan vs Tim
Dan vs Baron

Matchup of the week: Jose vs Jeff

This match will be the catalyst to the most epic playoff run you'll ever see.  The winner will be vaulted to heights never before seen, as they ride a majestic unicorn through the Straight of Gibraltar and punch three of the four horseman of the apocalypse in the face.  Children will sing songs about this match. About this season. For the winner will gallivant in a parade of glory.

Or, you know, we'll hope to make the playoffs.

Week 5:
Danny vs Joe
Sean vs Jose
Bryan vs Dan
Tim vs Jeff

Matchup of the week: Arun vs Baron

I deem this the matchup of week because it's the mother freakin' Bread Browl!  White bread Aaron takes on Wheat bread Arun in a battle that could actually have some meaning.  Katarya should conceivably have a much improved team while Baron goes forth with what he hopes is his new Ray Rice (sans the beatings) in CJ Anderson.

Week 6:
Danny vs Jose
Bryan vs Jeff
Tim vs Baron
Joe vs Dan

Matchup of the week: Sean vs Arun

Solely picking because of the historical bromance between the two.  Or maybe I'm dreaming that.  Don't care.

Week 7:
Joe vs Jeff
Sean vs Baron
Jose vs Bryan
Arun vs Dan

Matchup of the week: Danny vs Tim

I've always enjoyed Danny's and Tim's back and forth.  If only because the dynamic between the two is so giggly.  At least, if my memory serves me it is.  It's some vanilla insult (because, really, why do they want to insult a friend?) followed by laughter, then another comment, then more laugher.  I feel like this will be the most soul-rewarding loss for whoever ends up on the short end of this matchup.

Week 8:
Danny vs Sean
Joe vs Jose
Baron vs Tim
Jeff vs Dan

Matchup of the wee: Arun vs Bryan

I feel compelled to make this the matchup of the week for one reason.  And it's not rooted in any fact, or reason, or logic, or whatever.  At this point in the season I'm going out on a limb and predicting Arun is actually ahead of Bryan in the standings, making him the favorite for this game.  My only thought is Katarya usually goes through two awful years and then one amazing year.  And this year he's due to be amazing.  Meanwhile, like I said about Bryan's keepers, they're kind of meh this year, so he'll really, really need to draft well.

Week 9: 
Danny vs Joe
Sean vs Arun
Bryan vs Jeff
Jose vs Baron

Matchup of the week: Dan vs Tim

Want to know what a copout sounds like?  It's picking this matchup because I didn't think Tim had enough matchups of the week.  Here's what I know about both of these teams: cash-strapped Tim will have put together a mish-mosh of players while Dan will have Dez Bryant catching TDs for him all day.  That's roughly where I'm at with this.  Tim does have Demarco and Alshon, so that should be good for him, but who knows how healthy people will be Week 9.

Week 10:
Danny vs Jose
Joe vs Arun
Bryan vs Tim
Sean vs Jeff

Matchup of the week: Dan vs Baron

This is four of the league's seven championships matching up in the first week where byes can really affect a team.  Historically Dan's teams have been built under the "barbell" methodology (essentially, top and bottom heavy.  Not many middle tier players).  We don't know if he'll do the same this year and, if so, if it will affect this game.  But the point is, this game could be interesting.  And that, my friends, is how you write lazily.

Week 11:
Joe vs Sean
Danny vs Dan
Tim vs Jeff
Bryan vs Baron

Matchup of the week: Jose vs Arun

Arun and myself remind me of those borderline relegation squads of the English Premier League.  We fight and fight just to avoid being the last two teams.  Sure, occasionally we'll surprise (and by we I mean Arun) and come out in the top 6 or something, but otherwise, pretty much getting trounced.  Like I said earlier though, I think this will be a surprise season from Arun, and I'm only hoping that I can have this game mean something then.

Week 12:
Danny vs Arun
Sean vs Jose
Bryan vs Dan
Joe vs Tim

Matchup of the week: Jeff vs Baron

Okay, so at this point in the season it's like throwing darts at a chalkboard.  Yes, a chalkboard.  That's basically saying nothing I'm going to throw here sticks, and blah blah blah.  I only picked this matchup because I want it to mean something.  I'm rooting for Jeff solely because I want him to make the playoffs if it isn't me.  And I'm hoping that by picking him here, that will give him some sort of good karma that will have this game matter for him.  I can hope dammit.

Week 13:
Danny vs Baron
Sean vs Dan
Jose vs Tim
Arun vs Jeff

Matchup of the week: Joe vs Bryan

End the season on a rematch of the championship game.  I mean, who knows what people's records will be here, but there are some juicy matchups overall.  Jeff vs Arun in a cross-country Rochester battle.  I mean, it's LA vs NYC for goodness sake!  Danny vs Baron in another Rochester battle.  Jose vs Tim in a battle of mixed bloods.  And Sean vs Dan take each other on in what could be a battle for playoff seeding, not just entry.

August 30th.  4 pm CST.  And in case you're wondering where I got my inspiration for this subtle approach:

Otto and Lucy.

Those are the two dogs I watched this weekend.  The former is a big ol' white boxer that's a bit weird and loves just doing nothing.  The latter is a year and a half old Pointer that can't get enough of "doing shit".  They're good dogs.

But..their owners let them sleep on the bed.  So I did too.  And they like to cuddle.  And I mean CUDDLE.  Going to bed was alright, but I would wake up in the morning nearly off the bed.  And as much as I'd move them, they wouldn't wake up.

So the following night I sleep on the other side of the bed.  And, of course, I wake up at three in the morning with Lucy's ASS ON MY PILLOW.  And it's pointing right at me not six inches away.

Well, that ended my sharing the bed with those dogs right there.

So I slept on the couch.  And they kept waking me up every two hours or so.  That means that come today, when I'm finally home, I don't have any real energy and I'm fighting a day long headache.  But dammit, I'm committed to getting you an updated schedule.  Grab a soda, sit down, and read my what I'm guessing will be cliffnoted version Mark Your Calendars, Part II.
WEEK 1
Dan vs Baron
Jose vs KC
Johir vs Danny
Jeff vs Bryan
Tim vs Arun

Game of the Week: Dan vs Baron
I went with something different this year.  I let the league champion decide who he was going to play in Week 1.  Dan chose Baron to, quote "continue my dominance" over him.  Endquote.  We'll see where that leads him, but if there's something we know about Week 1, no one has a bye.  And, on paper, when he rolls out all his starters, Dan most likely has the best team out there.  But Baron, by my count, is a strong number two, so it'll be good.  Other storylines:  How do the n00bs fare in their first game?  What's up with the Chicago boys?  How many more Bears does Tim pick up before the season starts?

WEEK 2
Baron vs Arun
Johir vs Bryan
KC vs Dan
Jose vs Jeff
Tim vs Danny

Game of the Week: Baron vs Arun
Here's the exact text I got from Arun yesterday: "I had the best draft.  Just saying."  Bold words from a guy who is known to sell his players sooner than anyone else.  Know what the text I got from Baron was?  NOTHING.  BECAUSE BARON'S IN THE WILDERNESS.  We'll see what happens, but for right now, the Bread Bowl promises to deliver a delicious matchup.  Other storylines:  Who wins this year's Cane's bet between Danny and Tim?  Does KC deliver actual smack talk?  Do Jeff and Jose compare international vacations?

WEEK 3
Bryan vs KC
Arun vs Jose
Baron vs Jeff
Johir vs Tim
Dan vs Danny

Game of the Week: Bryan vs KC
The former roommates take each other on in the first week of the season.  Bryan has a pretty interesting start to his year.  He opens against the guy with the lowest winning percentage in league history (sorry Jeff, had to say it), then follows with two guys who have NO history in this league.  It seems like an ideal matchup, but what if he loses two of the three weeks?  Grab your collar and fret Bryan.  But this should be an interesting matchup.  I mean, there's a bunch of star RB power going through this one.  Other storylines:  Do Johir and Tim exchange dialogue at all (they're both busy)?  What happens in the matchup of last year's championship match?

WEEK 4
Jeff vs Dan
Danny vs Arun
Baron vs Johir
KC vs Tim
Jose vs Bryan

Game of the Week: Dan vs Jeff
I'm intrigued by this matchup solely because of the trade these two made during the draft.  We'll see if Dan's strategy of balls-to-the-walls starters - which meant giving up some draft money - helps him overcome Jeff's more balanced team.  I'm not going to make any predictions here, because bye weeks start up at this time, and I'm not looking at Dan's schedule right now to see if any of his guys aren't playing.  Other storylines:  does Bryan buy Jose his cake finally?  Will Danny head down to Chicago to watch football with Katarya?

WEEK 5
Dan vs Johir
Baron vs KC
Bryan vs Arun
Tim vs Jose
Jeff vs Danny

Game of the Week: Tim vs Jose
Not gonna lie to you guys, but this week I just wasn't feeling much of that matchups in terms of pure juicyness.  I'm going with Tim vs myself, because we've already thrown out a Luc Longley/Bill Cartwright bet once before, and I'm hoping we get something good to pop up by the time this game rolls around.  Maybe I'll get Tim to Instagram something stupid.  Other storylines:  Jeff vs Danny.  Whitest.  Matchup.  Ever.

WEEK 6
Johir vs Jeff
Jose vs Dan
Bryan vs Tim
Baron vs Danny
Arun vs KC

Game of the Week: Baron vs Danny
It's an old Crotch Roch matchup between the Mountain Man and the Man Mapping Mountains Man.  If my memory serves me (and it doesn't), Danny knocked Baron out of the playoffs last year.  And if he didn't, this is still interesting and exciting for, well, them at least.  I'm predicting Baron to be in the woods, so only Danny will know the true outcome.  And he'll be 100% honest about it too.  Zero sarcasm.  Other storylines:  Does Tim have more Bears now? Does all the summer arguing between Jose and Dan spill over into the matchup?  Do KC and Arun talk operations management the whole damn time?

WEEK 7
Danny vs Bryan
Baron vs Tim 
Jose vs Johir
Arun vs Dan
Jeff vs KC

Game of the Week: Jose vs Johir
This one is purely done out of selfish delight.  This is the weekend I plan on visiting Joe in KC (teehee), so obviously it was "coincidence" that I made our matchup the same weekend.  It should be fun.  Joe will be reacclimated to America again at this point.  As will I.  We'll see how well his team is doing against mine obviously.  And I could definitely see Mihir tagging along and, you know, tag teaming with Joe against me.  I know what I said.  I actually felt gross when I wrote it.  Other storylines: Slap bets all around when Tim and Baron play.  Danny takes on Bryan and absolutely doesn't want to lose (that one was a cop out).  The self proclaimed "best draft" takes on last year's league champion.

WEEK 8
Danny vs KC
Dan vs Jeff
Arun vs Jose
Johir vs Baron
Tim vs Bryan 

Game of the Week: Danny vs KC
Why?  I guess it's because I'm interested in what KC has done to this point.  And I'm also interested to see if Katarya-like luck is still with Danny at this point.  Don't get me wrong, Danny could have a good team, but he could also be the lucky bastard we saw last year.  Meanwhile, KC has come out of his draft feeling pretty confident, and what if the n00basaurus rex comes out and takes the league by storm?  He'll be like the Toronto Raptors, but not shitty.  Other storylines:  Is Baron out of the woods at this point?  What goes on between Tim and Bryan?  Who notices the sexual tension between Johir and Baron first?

WEEK 9
KC vs Bryan
Tim vs Jose
Johir vs Arun
Jeff vs Baron
Dan vs Danny

Game of the Week: Johir vs Arun
The real Brow Town is back in action!  Well, then there's also Joe.  This should be a fun, curry-based matchup between the dynamic duo (and Joe).  Let's see what Mihir's learned to this point and put it against the guy who's been one of the better players in our league history.  And let's see what happens with Joe when the Indian Bro Storm comes roaring through.  Other storylines:  Who calls who a bitch first: KC or Bryan?  Who win's the Dan-cing Contest?  Another Crotch Roch matchup to look out for.  Does Jose actually go to Chicago?

WEEK 10
KC vs Tim
Jeff vs Danny
Arun vs Bryan
Baron vs Jose
Johir vs Dan

Game of the Week: Jeff vs Danny
I'm always fond of seeing what happens between these two.  I'm waiting for the day for one of them to snap at the other for his team barely beating the other.  While I don't predict that happening, I am going to go ahead and make the call that this will be the two lowest scores of the week.  I don't care who wins, I just want to see one of them feel screwed out of a win instead of them being so nice to each other and what not and friendship and what not.  Other storylines:  How much shit talk goes on between Joe and Dan?  Little.  How much does Jose root against Baron?  Lots.

WEEK 11
Johir vs KC
Tim vs Dan
Bryan vs Baron
Arun vs Jeff
Jose vs Danny

Game of the Week: Bryan vs Baron
There's a lot of history for these two guys.  Both good and, well, in Baron's case, good too.  I don't know how their teams are going to be in Week 11, but I can anticipate this being a surprisingly intense matchup for a fantasy football game.  For all we know, Baron could be back in town and this could get surprisningly good.  Or Bryan could be on an orchard somewhere while Baron's in the mountains.  Not sure.  Don't care.  Other storylines:  N00BS!  Johir and KC play each other for the first time.  This is getting it's own little writeup.  Who's not interested in seeing how the new guys do this year?  I know Ed's probably rooting for them.  We'll see what each team brings to the table.  Yes, I said each team.  What, you didn't think Ken was by himself did you?

WEEK 12
Arun vs KC
Dan vs Baron
Bryan vs Jose
Joe vs Danny
Jeff vs Tim

Game of the Week: Bryan vs Jose
I said this in my last write up about the schedule and I'll stick to it in this one:  Bryan knows how to turn the knife in the insults against my team.  Seriously, it's all up in my P Biz.  But that's what makes this good.  With Ed out of the league, my new biggest rival takes me on in a Week 12 matchup of who-dun-its and whachamagoos (I've started zoning out at this point in my writing).  We'll see what kind of zingers he has about my mom in this one.  Other storylines: Dan vs Baron rematch of Week 1.  Should be good.  Joe vs Danny in what I predict will be the most texted matchup of the year (but just between themselves).

WEEK 13
Jeff vs Johir
Jose vs KC
Danny vs Baron
Tim vs Arun
Bryan vs Dan

Game of the Week: Tim vs Arun
I kept the same final week matchup because of how good it was when I made the first schedule.  I'm not going to reinvent the wheel here, so I'll just keep what I originally wrote:

Yes, there's Danny vs Baron goodness, Bryan vs Dan goodness and Jose getting knocked out of the playoff chase goodness.  But the thing that set this apart was that, in Week 13, the Vikings play the Bears.  So, in the last week of our season, it's Minnesota vs Chicago, with two super fans of each team playing each in fantasy football, in the same city.  If the fantasy gods are on our side this year, these two will be playing each other for the final playoff spot while they root for their favorite teams against each other.  Remember how I said I wanted to get this rivalry off the ground?  Well suck it Katarya and Tim, now you have no choice.  Other subplots: KC and Jose play in Week 1 and Week 13.  Juicy.  Bryan and Dan get to have the most clever competition of the year.  Jeff takes on Johir in a three state orgy.

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You should have your rosters added to the league page within the next two days.  On top of that, expect a draft review write up and a new set of Danny Devito Power Rankings any day now.

On top of that, as a reminder, here are our new divisions and division names:

Wyatt Justice Division:

Jeff
Danny
Siems
Dan
Johir

Barron Vaughn Division

Arun
Tim
Bryan
KC
Jose