This week made me sad.

Let's preface this with a bit of a backstory.  As you know, I haven't made the playoffs.  Story done?  Basically.

Anyways, in my desire to actually make the playoffs, I've become just a wee bit obsessed with trying to actually make it there.  I don't need to win the championship, I just need to make the playoffs.  But I've become a wee bit emotional about it.  That explains why I didn't respond to your completely harmless text yesterday Katarya (and why I won't respond to it).  When the stupid Eagles defense outscores the Chiefs defense, or when most of your team barely puts up yards but gets freaking touchdowns everywhere, of course you might end up with a sour taste in your mouth.

I need something to bring my spirits up.  Data.  Yes, wonderful, drug-like data.

As I write this, Ed says hi.  Now he says fuck off.  

Back to glorious numbers.

I did a quick breakdown of everyone's remaining strength of schedule because I flipping can.

Ed just admitted he loves musicals because he likes men.  His words, not mine.

I based strength of schedule on points scored, not record.  Here's the remaining strength of schedule, from easiest to toughest:

1. Danny
2. Jeff
3. Jose
4. Bryan
5. Dan
6. Joe
7. Baron
8. Tim
9. Arun
10. KC (Ed says to tell Ken specifically that he, quote, "sucks penis".  Endquote)

There once was a Jeff from Nantucket,
Who picked players as if from a bucket.
He was two and five,
His team did not thrive,
So he packed up his things and said fuck it!

The best of them all is named Dan.
He is said to be truly, "The Man!"
He wins all the ships,
Consumes many dips,
And declares with great vigor, "SPAAAAAAAN"

Twas not fear'd at all, Baron Nashor.
When they play'd, twas naught but a bore.
Jones-Drew is just bad,
Fitz's story is sad,
And Frank's last name ought be snore.

The Bad Shapes, most feared in the land.
Every game like two birds in the hand.
With six players top ten,
They will win again.
And stay in first place just as plan'd.

Instead of dwelling on the injured riddled past it is time to look to the future (I feel pretty awful that playing the Panthers D against the Vikes was a good move). I will be going to a Psychics Fair this weekend where I will ask if I will win my fantasy game this week. If any were to answer incorrectly (that I won't win), I will slap them and set them on fire. Normally I would think this is overreacting but in the psychic world it is proper procedure. Where do you think liar, liar, pants on fire came from?

Anyways this week I play Johnny Cakes. We have a little bet going on this week where the loser must give up their bed to the winner. I have dubbed (wob wob wob) this the Who's Been Sleeping in Myyy Bed Bowl. Most everyone on my team has a good matchup. I mean Jacksonville and Philadelphia? C'mon. Lacy is a beast. AP and Gates looking to redeem themselves. Panthers D at home. I hope I don't beat Johnny too bad, Kenbrell Thompkins might go to jail for the 8th time.

Johnny, you better pray to spaghetti that some twisted circumstance allows you victory because otherwise a significant part of your life is about to change. About 1/3 of it to be exact. That bed is mine Johnny boy. I'm going to sleep in that thing so hard your bed will hold my imprint until the end of days. All the lumps of your bed that you once enjoyed will be explored and conquered by me. Although I have been barred from shitting on your bed I don't think we covered the lift a cheek policy. Your expensive and stupid sounding flaxseed sheets will forever carry my essence. Insomnia is your destiny, tossing and turning, knowing that your bed is no longer your own. That your bed has known another. And not just any other, but your better.

Sleep tight.

*Editor's note:  I wasn't intentionally trying to put that Yao Ming meme as the cover photo, but Blogspot defaulted with that image.  And who am I to argue with Blogspot?

What a fun week that was huh?

Well...except for the Vikings game (Danny not included).

As I pointed out, every team predicted to win by ESPN didn't, leaving the landscape of the league a bit different than any one of us would have thought.

For example, did anyone see Vernon Davis having something like 26 points in the first half.  Or how about Danny getting a combined 49 points from his Panthers.  Oh wait...the Vikings.  Or MJD producing double digit points.  Hilarity has ensued in the league.  And nowhere is that hilarity more prevalent in the fact that Dan's team lost to mine.  Congrats Dan, you've just earned your place on the Jose pantheon of annoying hashtags against people in the league.  With Ed no longer in the league, #edsteamsucks gets put in the Hall of Fame, while #factisdanlost now becomes my go to.

It's probably best I don't gloat since, you know, I'm a terrible winner.  That's what happens when you play on so many losing teams in your life.  You kind of never learn how to be a respectful winner.  So I'm just going to take a page out of Dan's book and let pictures tell a thousand words.  Or about nine words.  Either way, #factisdanlost.











And, to finish it off, this is how Dan must have felt losing to me.


Well, that about gets that out of my system.  No, wait, it doesn't.  But I'm going to move on.

Let's keep the subject matter on Dan and point out that he and Katarya play each other next week for the best record in the league.  Katarya needs to watch out because a loss and Bryan win would drop him all the way to third.  And with Joe playing myself, he'll have the winner right on his heels.  Katarya has a chance of going from first to out of the playoffs in two weeks (he plays me Week 8).

Meanwhile, Dan has a healthy points scored cushion, so he has some leeway if he loses.  Both he and Katarya are missing Packers WRs this week, so it should be an interesting matchup.  Side note:  Isn't that the ultimate cop out in one of these writeups?  Just saying "so it should be an interesting matchup" and moving on?  Yea, I went there.

I play Joe, which is relevant not only because we're 4th and 5th in the standings, but because we have a bet going.  Terms of the bet are as follows:  Loser has to give up their bed for one night to the winner and sleep on the couch.  A candy bar needs to be left on the pillow (to simulate pooping on someone's bed).

Bryan has a quote-unquote "easy" matchup against Danny, but as we've seen, give Carolina a decent matchup and they can score points.  I'd still give the edge to Bryan though.

Tim scored 90+ points again even without a Jimmy Graham catch.  That's a good thing because he doesn't have him again this week.  He's outscored Baron all but one week this year.  Guess who he plays?  I don't think you need to wonder who I think is going to win this game.  Although Phillip Rivers is playing Jacksonville...

And then there's Ken and Jeff.  This seems like a good game for K to get his C legs underneath him again (C what I did there?).  Jeff has one of those team you don't expect to see much out of, then he'll suddenly beat you out of nowhere and you're like "the hell was that?"  But I think Peyton's pissed off about last week and is gonna go on and throw three touchdowns.  Because why the f*** not.

Anyways, power rankings!

The mayor of Swan City has issued a conference call at City Hall for Monday, October 14 at 9 am CST.  It is there that he is expected to announce that the city will honor it's victory over Dan by establishing Fact Is Dan Lost Day.

Main Street will be renamed Justin Blackmon Street for the day, and butter sculptures will be made of Jordan Reed, Jordy Nelson, and the entire Kansas City Chiefs defensive line.  Russell Wilson will be given a key to the city, and Demarco Murray a permanent parking spot near Show Bunnies Bar, Grill, and Occassional Gentlemen's club.

Everyone is invited to celebrate Fact Is Dan Lost Day, which will be held in the Town Square at Gazebo 4.

Light refreshments will follow.

DM²...more like BM²!

Jordan Reed has scored a combined 0 points the past two weeks...that sounds about right as a starter for your team Jose.

If you added all of your losses and ties to your wins, you'd have as many wins as I do.

Jamaal Charles...the blisters on his feet put blisters on my heart.

I've scored more points for than any team has against.  You've scored 5 points more than you've had scored against.

Dez Bryant is the #1 WR...Washington is ranked 28th against WRs...math.

Demaryius and the Broncos are up against Jacksonville...enough said.

My team colors are better than yours, also my logo makes more sense.

Well, it's about a third of the way through the season and there's only one thing we know for sure:

That I've kept these power rankings going...somehow.

But, I mean, we also know a couple of other things -

1. KC has a chance to win every week so long as he has Peyton Manning.  But of course, he also has Stevan Ridley, so...

2. Dan's team is good

3. Danny's team is, um, unfortunate?

4. We're all inclined to call Katarya's record lucky.

5. I still haven't made the playoffs

6. Joe's still got AP

7. #Edsteamsucks

8. Tim is surviving on a team that's made of more and more Chicago Bears

9. I still haven't made the playoffs

10.  Baron's winning games again (two games means I can use the plural again)

11. Jeff still loves Larry Fitzgerald

Awards could be given for the first trimester, but that doesn't seem my place *coughhinthintsomeoneotherthandanormyselfshouldwritesomethingcoughcough*,  Oh, excuse me.  I must've had some flem or something in my throat.

Anywho...on to the rankings!

What the hell did Joe need help with on Sunday?

There once was a man named AP.
Whose bye week fell unfortunately.
For Joe he faced Dan,
The essence of man,
Poor Joe stood no chance don't you see?!

Joe thinks that he's worthy of fame.
Quite frankly, I think that he's lame
Hit his ceiling last week.
No AP? His team reeks!
I win 'ships like it's part of my name!

I'm not scared because you have Drew Brees.
I will surely beat you with great ease.
Last week Austin scored zero,
Josh Brown also scored zero.
It'll be easier than a making a sneeze.

I've got Rodgers, Dezeus, and D-Tom.
Add Jam-Cham in, that guys the bomb.
S. Janikowski,
And Hawks by the Sea,
You'll be trounced with stalwart aplomb.

For best results play this in background.

Back in the U S of A after an amazing trip to jolly Skol England. Was nice to take a bit of a vacation after an angry gorilla from Chicago took my v-card with my first loss. If I ever wore a hat I would tip it in the general direction of Chicago.

My team and I really appreciated the bye week to rest up. Oh wait. I apologize. I read the schedule wrong. It wasn't a bye week but a BEAR week. What was the score? Oh my... Probably best not to mention the score to prevent any hard feelings. :\

Look at that! Top scoring team last week was the Ravers. Perhaps a sign of things to come? My prediction, yes.

High drama with division battles this week as the two top teams in each division battle it out. In the Barron Vaughn division the top spot will be decided. My guess is that Bryan will probably beat Aaron. Possibly related side note, when did Katarya become a Broncos fan?

Then the only two teams anyone cares about in the Wyatt Justice division go head to head in the prime time spot. Dan's BS versus the hope and inspiration of the nation, the Redmond Remedial Ravers. I think it is funny that Dan keeps talking about the pre-auction era and auction era. Frankly these terms seem a little dated. I think Dan should reference a far more significant event when naming eras. I would suggest the before times and after the Joepocalypse (the Joepocalypse of course being when I showed up in the league and made everything up until that point meaningless).

But I digress. Ravers will leave Dan's team quite misshapen this weekend. Just a bunch of troangle and skwares.

Le huh?

Le wut?

I iz confused.

Yes, I'm referring to how our league has gone after four weeks.  Riddle me this:

RBs are looking even worse this year than last year, whatever TE renaissance that was supposed to happen hasn't come to fruition like the "experts" said it would, Mike Vick is back being awesome, and your favorite defenses haven't done jack squat this year (except maybe Seattle).  I mean, Tom Brady was just traded for Darren Sproles.  Darren Sproles!  Even last year I don't know if anyone would've done this.  But to be fair for Baron, he has Philip Rivers suddenly acting like he's 26 and in his primo days.  Let's save our judgement on that trade for after it processes, but for now let's just marvel in the fact that after four weeks, Joe is a playoff team, Tim has scored more points than anyone (and is 2-2), while Danny is having reverse luck this year and I'm still on the outside looking in for the playoffs.

Did you guys know Joe was in London for the Vikings game?  If you didn't, I recommend talking to him and getting his stories about Wembley and London and stuff.

There's a lot of fun that's still to come in this league.  And despite the absolute premature timing of this call, I'm still going to come right out and predict the final league standings and playoff teams.  Here we go, in reverse order:

10. Danny
9. Baron
8. Jose
7. Jeff
6. KC
5. Arun
4. Joe
3. Bryan
2. Tim
1. Dan

Dan defeats Joe, Tim defeats Bryan.

And because I can, Tim defeats Dan.

Now on to the rankings!  Note that stats aren't updated on the blog.  That'll happen tomorrow.  I'm feeling good and lazy tonight.