Real Men Cry Football: September 2013

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger

, by D12

I have been trying to think of the best way to start off the season's first in-season power rankings. But I can't. Those no story or quip to get the ball rolling. I mean, after all, it's early in the season and we can't take these rankings too seriously. It literally is just whoever scored the most points in order from top to bottom. Sorry, I should've said spoiler alert.

But that was one heckuva week wasn't it? We saw not one, not two, but three tight ends score over 20 points (and Jason Witten barely missed that mark with 19). We saw Peyton throw for seven TDs and 46 points. Reggie Bush torched the Vikings, Colin Kaepernick torched the Packers, and even Desean Freakin' Jackson had a good game. This is the first time I can remember a defense not getting double digit points in a week. Not one (that was played at least).

Of course, that meant that some team had to go ahead and set the single game scoring record. Bryan's chameleon-of-a-name team went ahead and thrashed the crap out of Jeff, which is sad when you think about it, because Jeff scored 112 points! Seriously, that's ridiculous.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Baron - he of the three championships - looked like me when he scored the fewest points of the week. In fact, outside of Danny, Baron would've lost by 25 to 8th lowest scoring team, KC.

Speaking of, how in the aych ee double hockey stick does he not win? How? The dude had 46 from Peyton. I was sending Snapchats at 3 in the morning saying "Fuk yo' team Ken" and then I come back and win? Well, I have a theory. Mike Wallace sucks. Kyle Rudolph sucks (only because he has Ponder). Arian Foster sucked against the Chargers. Come on Kenny. I know your team is better than this. You can't let the league laughingstock beat you.

This week's "Come on Man!" goes to Danny for leaving 47 potential points on the bench. I understand why he left those guys on the bench (Seattle D for Smith, SF D for Jordy, Texans D for Mathews), but sometimes you just gotta roll with your studs. Sucks for Danny, but helps Joe.

Tim and Katarya had themselves a pretty epic matchup. And that's a really good thing. Lots of hashtags and, I'm guessing, curry thrown around in fear that the game might be lost for Katarya. But RGIII couldn't, you know, win the game, so Tim comes out the loser.

Of course, like I said, this is all week one stuff, so we'll see where this takes us. But for now, below are your Danny Devito Power Rankings.

*Note: The stats have been updated, but I'm having some trouble with some of the formulas for the Breakdown and True Rankings. I'll get those fixed in a while.